~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Kids~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, December 27, 2013

Update and Clarification

It has been weighing on my mind that our Bittersweet Announcement came across as a way to bring attention to my grief.  The fact that I was still on prescription pain meds probably didn't help with clarity of the post. LOL  Of course I am grieving, but there was  more than one reason for writing. I felt it was important to put it out there because so many feel like they can't share about miscarriage. Like it's a taboo subject.  It's amazing how many women come out of the woodwork when you have a loss, letting you know they too know how it feels. :(   To that point, there are a LOT of women that have gone through a miscarriage. I am no one special. It will be difficult but I will move on.

The main reason for my post was to acknowledge that I had not been true to my beliefs. I had purposely hidden this baby from most everyone because of comments from other people. Once the baby was gone it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was ashamed of myself. I felt like I had let this child down. As a mother I am supposed to be there for my children no matter what. What have I done?  Those were the thoughts that ran through my head that day.  So that post was my way of standing up for my child. To show that I was not ashamed. 

While I don't intentionally want to hurt anyone and cause strife, I also will no longer apologize for being happy to have children. I will not tip-toe around for fear of offending someone. If they have a problem with it, that is between them and God.  What our family chooses is between my husband, myself and God.

Have a blessed day! ~Tammy

Monday, December 23, 2013

Bittersweet Announcement

With each of our five children we have announced very soon after finding out we were expecting. It is always such a joyous time for us and we want to celebrate each new life with all of our friends and family.  Sadly, we have not always been met with positive comments.  We have gotten a lot of these:

-You know what causes that?
-You need cable.
-How can you afford all those kids?
-You aint got that “fixed” yet? (If you'd like our take on that you can read here.)
-You are being irresponsible.
-Glad it’s you and not me.

Six weeks ago we found out we were expecting and couldn’t have been happier. We were already about 5 weeks along, but this time we decided to hold off on announcing.  While it didn’t feel right, we decided it was for the best. I told a few people (because I honestly can’t keep my mouth shut) and Todd also told a few. We didn’t tell our children because we didn’t think they could keep it quiet. 

So for the last six weeks we have hidden this small soul from the rest of the world. We have not made phone calls giddy with excitement. I haven’t told old friends I might see in the grocery store and shared a big hug. We did not make a fun family picture announcement to post on facebook.  We didn’t discuss whether it was a boy or girl or talk about name possibilities for fear the kids would overhear. We didn’t enjoy this little life to the fullest while we had it. 

Yesterday I went through the most painful thing I have ever gone through, both emotionally and physically.

I lost our baby.

This precious life that we kept secret is gone.   Even though this is not the fun and exciting announcement I had hoped for, I refuse to hide it any longer. I want everyone to know that there is a beautiful soul that we will meet in Heaven one day and it is our child. 

I have definitely learned a lesson.  Live for today and be thankful. Don’t worry what others may say or think. This is my life to live and it is between me, my husband and God how many children we may be blessed to have. I am thankful for grace and second chances and I pray the Lord will bless us again. When and if He does, I will most certainly shout it from the rooftops.

Have a blessed day! ~Tammy